When you come home from a hard day at work (or play):
A dog says, “I’m really happy to see you and I’m hungry, but I’ll wait until you hang out with me for a while before you dole out the grub.”
A cat states “You’re ten minutes late. No, I’m not hungry. Get in a chair that’s kind of comfortable for you because I want to sit in your lap for a few minutes and be very comfortable before you feed me. And no, I did not scratch up the new chair you bought. The dog did it.”
A dog realizes a few things that a cat doesn’t quite understand.
You pay the rent, mortgage or own the car that you and your dog are sleeping in.
A cat thinks that you, the owner, are allowed to come into the house/apartment/car at specified times to play with, feed and clean up after the cat’s mess. After you’ve finished your chores and the cat is done with you, you’ll receive a brief dismissal normally in the form of “now leave me alone.”
A dog will eat almost anything that you will eat. That includes expensive leather shoes that you would not eat. As long as the bowl is full and there’s a little water to wash it down with, life is beautiful.
A cat wants to know why we switched from the premium blend of seafood chow to the budget brand that is dry and tasteless. Monsieur Le Cat says “I’m not eating this garbage” and walks away from his dish until you can do better.
Where do they sleep? Where do you sleep? Well if you got a dog, it’s simple. If you have a cat, it’s really not your choice.
A dog will sleep anywhere near his or her master. If you allow the dog on the bed, it’s all the better because you’re sharing body warmth. Even if you put the dog outside, that’s fine because in the morning, the pooch figures “we’ll be together again soon.”
A cat. Well, that’s another story. “You have a nice, clean bed. And you have hair. I like hair. No, I will not sleep at the foot of the bed. Maybe you can switch your position and sleep at the foot of the bed. But then again I need to play around with your hair, so stay where you are. If you want something at the foot of your bed, go talk to that shaggy four-legged thing that follows you around all day and obeys your every command. That is not my job and you should know that by now.”
Should I support my pets’ offspring?
A dog would say, “Man, I made a mistake. I should have used protection. We can all sleep outside. Will you come with us?”
A cat suggests, “You know that I’m doing you a favor, right? Ten more like me and you’ll be rich. Relax. Adjust your budget and plan to spend a little more on kitty litter and can we get some better quality fish in this joint for my kids?”
What to do if your friends are allergic to or fearful of your pets. Advice from the experts:
A dog says “I can wait outside or if you want to put me in the makeshift thing you call a doghouse, I’ll wait for you until they are gone. Promise.”
A cat counters by letting you know in no uncertain terms “They can all kiss my grits. Why you have them poor people in my house anyway?”
Grooming. Short or long hair, it’s still a pain in the ass.
A dog concedes that “We have to do it, so let’s get it over and done with. You will be happier being in public with me”
A cat wants to know “Can I get some diamonds attached to my new weave? And where’s the good fish, man?”